devaneios

AGORA

Sou mais um alguém.
Sou teus amigos no cinema.
Sou um conto, um filme, um soneto.
Sou o primo que você não conversa há meses.
Sou o amigo que não te conta suas preocupações e segredos.
Sou o estranho que passa na rua e que você nunca chegará a conhecer.
Sou o que te observa, mas você não nota.
Sou a árvore que cai no meio da floresta e ninguém ouve.
Sou só com a solidão.
Sou só com a multidão.
Sou todas as oportunidades que você não aproveitou.
Sou a prova de que o mundo ainda pode te surpreender.
Sou a prova de que o mundo não tem nada de novo pra oferecer.
Sou a tua música favorita que você nunca ouvirá.
Sou conseqüência de tudo que há.
Sou parte do tudo.
Sou nada e descartável.
Sou o que muda e o que é mudado.
Sou o preguiçoso.
Sou o que experimenta pra te contar.
Sou o que fala e você não acredita.
Sou o que narra coisas que você nunca terá coragem de tentar.
Sou aquele seu amigo que não sabe pra onde ir. Perdido.
Sou aquele seu amigo que se orgulha do próprio saber.
Sou o aventureiro que não tem medo de morrer.
Sou aquele com os pontos de vista que você não aceita.
Mas que não consegue discordar.
Sou o amigo do amigo que ficou louco.
Sou o que suga. Sou o que doa.
Sou o que ri. E chora. E ri de chorar. E chora de rir.
Sou o que explora. O que se constrói. O que se destrói.
O que se constrói, destruindo.
Sou o que magôa sem sentir culpa.
Sou aspirante a água mole.
Sou pedra dura.
Sou o que fala.
Sou o silêncio da compreensão.
Sou o escritor que aceita tuas críticas, mas que não vai mudar seu estilo.
Sou o artista que sabe que tua crítica atesta tua própria incompetência em criar.
Sou o calmo avô que nunca vai apontar os defeitos que você ja sabe ter.
Sou o robô defeituoso.
Sem fim ou objetivo.
Programado com interrogações.
Sou o explorador de realidades.
Sou o personagem do livro que quer passar por todo lugar.
Sou o que não está aqui. Sou o que não está no teu futuro.
Sou o que acumula, filtra e destila.
Sou bruxo criador de poções. Poções do pensar.
Sou o que sente tudo que você não vai sentir.
Sou o que não pode seguir em frente. O que não pode voltar.
Sou aquele tio que se mostra demasiadamente orgulhoso de todas as conquistas que você sabe serem pequenas.
Sou o sábio tio que sabe que a vida é feita de pequenas conquistas.
Sou o pai que quer te ajudar a crescer, mas que não quer impôr suas expectativas.
Sou o professor que deseja que você o supere.
Sou o bêbado jogado na sarjeta ao amanhecer do dia quando você volta de uma festa.
Sou o namorado que sabe não ser a pessoa certa pra você.
Sou o mendigo que possue a sabedoria nos olhos, mas que está preso em seus próprios vicios.
Sou o gato que sabe que você não precisa dele e que ele não precisa de você.
Sou o cachorro que gosta de estar perto de você e que presume que você também queira estar perto dele.
Sou a mãe que não consegue ver os defeitos do próprio filho.
Sou o ciclista atropelado por um ônibus.
Sou o ator coadjuvante em um filme sem moral da história.
Sou você.
Sou ninguém.

Bumpy road to disaster?

Bumpy road to disaster?

Listening: Porcupine Tree – Arriving Somewhere, but not here.

Hello, hello.

How have you been, dear people I don't know?

I'll start by saying I’m not a happy puppy today.

I should say that I will eventually finish my story.
I’m still working on it. The previous blog was just the beginning.

But today, I have something not that great to share.

I sent an email to my mom the other day. It had a drawing of mine and a text a dear friend wrote for the drawing. Maybe I’ll post it here in the future.
I told her how I was feeling – confused – and I told her my job is sort of unstable at the moment and how I’ve been burning all my bridges during the last month, emotionally speaking.
I also told her that at the same time I feel free, I feel lost.
I’m beginning to think about studying something in my field in Europe (maybe in Spain) next year. Maybe a pos graduation or masters.
I’m looking into some possibilities, but of course, everything involves large amounts of money that I don’t really have.
Anyway, I gave her a complete update on what’s going on in my life and I asked her how were things back home.

I really wasn’t expecting the answer I got.

Basically, she’s been finding traces of a strange relationship between my father and a lady he calls “a friend” of his.
When inquired, my dad said that my mom always tends to see the evil in everything. That she was being paranoid and that this lady was just a friend.
After reading all about the traces my mom said she’s found so far, I’m pretty sure my dad is not being completely truthful about the situation.
I love him, but I’m starting to think he might have had done something.
But then again, I might suffer from the same paranoid condition my mom’s got.
But I don’t think so.

In the end, my mom asked me about a while ago, when they were fighting a lot and my dad moved out for a short period of time.
Then she asked me if my dad was really crying a lot during that period (my aunt told her that) and also wanted to know if my dad had ever told me that he loved her in any of our conversations.
The thing is, I don’t remember him crying and I don’t remember him saying he loved her.
To be honest with you, I don’t think he loves my mom anymore. I don’t feel it.
I think he’s still with her only not to split the family apart.

But HOW do you tell your mom that you think your dad doesn’t love her anymore?

To be honest, it would be the hardest thing in the world to see they split up, but at the same time I think that both of them deserve to be happy. If they don’t love each other, maybe it’s time to end it.

The thing is.. I think my mom will always love my dad.
So after 20-something years of marriage, I have really low expectations about what will be her reaction to divorce.

Shit. She will get depressed, I’m sure. And I’m across the ocean and there’s nothing I can do about it, except write her emails. Shit. Shit.

I’m going to write her now. And I'm gonna be honest.

It sounds like there’s a bumpy road ahead of us..

Soundtrack: Metallica – Unforgiven II

Ok. So let's get to business.

Eight years ago I was a very idealistic teenager. I had strong opinions on the subject of drugs, including alcohol and cigarettes. I was in a very spiritual phase at the time and I couldn't miss the opportunity to give speeches to people about their bad habits and addictions. REALLY annoying, you know? I would go on and on about how addictions showed us a person was weak.

This way of thinking is not completely wrong(if it's wrong at all) but let's say I’ve learned how to be a little bit more flexible since then.

What I found out was that ALL human beings have their own weaknesses.

Anyway. I met someone during this phase.

I had a friend at high school that I shall name Lyla.

Lyla and I were best friends at the time and she told me she was seeing this guy which had a very pretty sister.
Apparently Lyla thought I would fancy the girl and vice-versa.

One day, after lunch, Lyla was headed to the guy’s house and invited me to come along and I decided to go.
I would call Lyla my sister and if she was saying that this girl was pretty and with a great personality I just had to check it out. I’m too curious.

We arrived at the house and this girl opened the door.

I shall call her Ms Grin.
The very minute I was introduced to her, I fell in love.
She had beautiful brown eyes, long dark hair, light brown skin and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.
I found out very soon that she had a very warm personality as well.

We were talking and laughing about loads of things and I was trying hard not to show I was really nervous. I was so shy, poor me.

Lyla found something to do upstairs and left us alone.

My heart was going crazy... I didn't know what to say or do.

I finally gathered the strenght to get up from where I was sitting and join her at the couch.

We ended up kissing and it was one of those perfect moments you can't quite believe is happening.

I remember going back home that day. I couldn’t feel the ground underneath my steps… Nothing could upset me. I didn’t notice anything on the way home. I was completely absorbed in my own thoughts. And I could only think about her.
After this first day, I’d go to her place every afternoon for the 3 months that followed.
This alone was enough to qualify her as my first girlfriend.

I know, I know! You're reading this and thinking: "3 months? That's nothing, c'mon!"
But you have to analyse this infatuation in terms of TEENAGE time. This means that I was crazy in love. I couldn’t think of anyone or anything else. My grades were not that great at the time and they actually started to get worse. I was skinny and loosing more weight. You know, head in the clouds and all that beautiful obsession we miss so much when we get older.

If you’re reading this and you’re still a teenager, you should be aware that the feelings during this phase of your life are both confusing and very intense. And that’s why you’ll probably remember them clearly for the rest of your life. So enjoy it!

Looking back, I can see that that feeling was much more intense and much deeper than most of the stuff I felt afterwards. It was really strong.

We would see each other every day, for at least 4 hours a day, just hanging in at her place, laughing, listening to music or watching MTV while her mom was at work. (I was young, inexperienced and we only got to second base, if you must know.)
Or, alternatively, we’d be found at a small park nearby her house, enjoying the sun and the warm weather, having ice cream and kissing until our lips hurt. And we wouldn’t care about anything else.

I know. Too good to be true.

The problem was that after two months, I didn't feel the same way about her.
It was weird. I didn't feel anything. Nothing was wrong, really.
I'm not sure, but I think that seeing each other every day made me feel like I didn't miss her. I didn’t have time to miss her.
I think I sort of got used to her. Sounds awful, I know. But I also think that the big infatuation from the first dates was cooling down. Maybe it was becoming something else. More mature, maybe. Love, perhaps?

But what I felt was that the infatuation was going away and this thought freaked me out a bit. I thought I didn't like her anymore, stupid as it might sound…
But I'm always very honest with myself. So I asked her for some time apart to figure things out. She didn't understand it, but she had no choice.
So we stopped seeing each other for a while.

But the weirdest thing happened.
After two weeks apart, I started missing her like crazy. I wanted to see her.. Actually, I had to!
Then I arranged to meet up with her and talk things over. I explained everything to her and I told her I had made a mistake. And that I really liked her.

Luckily, she decided to take me back.

A few days after that, Lyla came up to me sounding very upset and told me that Ms Grin had started smoking cigarettes. She told me that she started smoking after I had broken up with her, but I don’t think I believe that.
She asked me to keep this a secret, but it was just a matter of time and Lyla knew it.

Remember, I was an idealist. I had been giving a go to things like, meditation, astral projection and all that. And because of that, I was trying to keep my body and my spirit “pure”. I despised alcohol, cigarettes and drugs in general because I believed they would cloudy your spirit and get in the way of your spiritual growth.

Eventually, I talked to her about it and she told me she would quit.

One weekend, we went to a bar to watch a football game.
Everything was great and we were having loads of fun.
Then Ms Grin went to the toilet with her friend.
When she was coming back, she walked past behind me and, believe it or not, I felt my energy levels plummeting. I was laughing but this made me feel really bad and I didn’t know what had happened for a minute. Then she sat next to me, gave me a smile and asked me if everything was ok.
The look I had on my face I can only imagine, but I know it was very serious and suddenly, everything made sense.

I asked her: ‘-Did you smoke in the toilet?’

‘-Of course not..’ she replied as I observed her face expression change.

‘-You did, didn’t you?’ – I insisted. – ‘When you came back from the toilet, I felt my energy levels go down and I didn’t understand why.’

I kept going.

‘-Ms Grin, don’t lie to me, please.’

Then she looked down, shamefully admitting her actions.

I said:

‘-Look, you said you were going to quit smoking. You obviously haven’t. But I need to explain to you that I cannot be with someone that smokes. Simply because it’s stupid and it shows a personality weakness. Whatever problems you may have, cigarettes and not the answer, don’t you agree?’
She remained quiet. Shoe-gazing and very serious.

‘You have to promise me you won’t smoke anymore.’ – I said – ‘Each cigarette you smoke, brings you closer to being fully addicted to it. So you have to stop now, before it gets really hard to do it..’

And I added ‘-If you don’t quit smoking, I’ll have to break up with you.’

She said it was unfair. But I didn’t care. I knew exactly what should be done and I did it.
After discussing for a few minutes, she agreed to promise me she wouldn’t smoke anymore. Ever.

I told her: ‘-Listen, you’ve just made a promise. You’ve just looked into my eyes and promised me you will never smoke again. If you break your promise, I’ll break up with you. Agreed?’

‘-Agreed.’ – was her answer.

After that, we continued enjoying the evening. It was so funny. It was one of those perfect moments when you have people you enjoy being with and also the person you’re in love with. I had a very warm feeling inside me.

This happened on a Saturday. The next day, I spent with my family.

On Monday morning, I went to school.
I was in class, when it happened.
I think it was after the break.

Suddenly, a thought came over me and I knew that Ms Grin had smoked again.
Don’t ask me how. I just knew.
I was never so sure about anything in my whole life.
It was a feeling much stronger than intuition.
And I knew I had no choice apart from keeping my promise.

I never called her again.

My guess is that she knew I knew it, because she never came looking for me either.

Hello again!

How are you anyway?

No. I'm not just asking. I really want to know. (You can tell me afterwards.)

Me? I'm good, thanks.
Better than I should be, really.
"How so?" you might ask.

Well, I've just lost someone who I thought was The One.

You know, the love of my life.
Some complicated stuff happened and I had to break up with her. (I'll elaborate on that later on.)
The thing is, I don't feel like I've just lost the love of my life. In fact, I don't feel anything at all.It should be painful, right? I should be depressed. Crying my eyes out. I should be having suicidal thoughts and all that, correct?
Believe me, I'm a very emotional lad. I've cried a lot for girls that meant much less than this particular one I'm going to tell you about.
But not this time.

Well, maybe I'm just numb.. Or maybe I haven't realised exactly what happened yet. Maybe I've been working too much to think about it.
Or maybe she hurt me so bad that I just don't feel anything for her anymore.
I probably should start explaining this from the beginning, so that you'll get the picture.
I'll try not to take long.

A little bit about me first? Hope you don't get bored.

I'm a guy who's in love with life. All the way.
I have a good understanding of how big the world is and of the endless possibilities we have in life. I'm also aware of how little time I get to be walking the Earth.
And that's why I'm always trying to do all the things I really enjoy doing and I'm always looking for something new and exciting to do. I even have a To Do List for every year (I'll get back to this soon.)

I'm the kind of guy that would like to visit billions of places before settling down. But the truth is, I don't know if my desire for adventure and curiosity will ever cool down. So I don't know if settling down is an option.
But some friends tell me is a matter of age. That when I get older, I'm going to feel like settling down. Do you agree? What's your personality like? Has it changed lately?
Well, what I do know is that I'm where I am today because of the way I've been living.After graduating from Uni, I decided to come to London.
I'm not working in my field here. No, no. I'm a cocktail bartender instead and I'm having some fun and meeting some interesting people. But it is hard work being a bartender, despite what you might think.

I'm happy to be where I am and I like my possibilities. I wouldn't be able to travel around England nor visit different countries in Europe so easily if I were back home.

To be honest, it's weird to call my hometown "home" because if it's true what they say about "home being where the heart is", then my city is not my home. I don't really have a home, I think. Have you ever felt that?
There's this song I like which goes: "homesick.. 'cause I no longer know where home is."

Anyway, after more than an year in London, I realise I don't miss my house.I miss my parents and my brother, of course. The great friends I grew up with? Certainly. But it's not the kind of missing that makes me want to go back, you know?
Instead, it's the kind of missing that makes me think: "I love them. I know where they are and they are very important to me. But the desire to keep going is very big. I have to keep exploring the world. At least for now."
And this exploration doesn't involve only geographical knowledge, I must add.

The real adventure is the mind exploration. I'm always changing (faster than most people can even follow) and I'm always trying to go deeper and deeper into myself. Everywhere I go makes me realise something new about myself.My trip has just started, but I already feel I've learned a lot about the world and about me. It's incredible.

For example? I've learned that when you are free to do what you want, you find out what's really important for you.
And that when you are far away from everyone you know, you discover who's really important to you. Of course, you are always sure about a few people, but I had no idea I would miss some people that suddenly I can't stop thinking about. It's really weird.

You also realise that it's very easy to find yourself in places you don't want to be. Your life is not completely under control anymore. And you sort of get used to being lost. Or feeling lost. And eventually, you start to enjoy it.

And I've also learned that when you seek a new horizon, you discover possibilities in life which you hadn't even considered before..

If I were at home, I would have a safe chair in an office. I would be making some money right now and I would probably be living a comfortable life. But I'm pretty sure I'd be bored. And I'd be wondering about different choices I could have made.

I'm so sure I'd be bored in the city I grew up in because for the last 4 years I was there, I felt that I couldn't be surprised by anything anymore. Everyone was so predictable.
Nothing interesting would happen in Art or Music and I was getting sick and tired of meeting the same kind of people everywhere I'd go. The most interesting people I met in my last few years there were from different cities.

If I had settled for that comfortable chair in an office I'd be wondering how different my life would be if I had had the guts to leave.

And look, I don't hate a lot of things in life, but one of the few I really hate are "what if's"...

"What if I had called her?".. "What if I had gone there?".. "What if I had done that?" I hate those questions. Specially when you Really wanted to do something and you didn't.
I have this 'great' ability to really torture myself about stuff like that. I can hold on to a thought like that for months.

But going back to my routine now.
Right now I'm working(and struggling) to pay the rent every week and trying to save some money to travel, but I don't have any real guarantees in my job and I might be forced to leave at any time.

So, the way I see it, I didn't have a choice really. I Had to come to London and loose myself in this ocean of information and people. That's what my personality demanded from me.
You get the picture, right?

I think I'm going to stop here and I'll continue my tale later on.

If you're reading this, I invite you to come back, read the next part of the tale and and give me your opinion.
I know that my writing is all over the place. But that's how my mind works. You'll eventually find it amusing, I hope. lol

Did I tell you I’m hyper?

Thanks for all the comments.
Leave your blog address and I’ll pop by later.