Bumpy road to disaster?

Bumpy road to disaster?

Listening: Porcupine Tree – Arriving Somewhere, but not here.

Hello, hello.

How have you been, dear people I don't know?

I'll start by saying I’m not a happy puppy today.

I should say that I will eventually finish my story.
I’m still working on it. The previous blog was just the beginning.

But today, I have something not that great to share.

I sent an email to my mom the other day. It had a drawing of mine and a text a dear friend wrote for the drawing. Maybe I’ll post it here in the future.
I told her how I was feeling – confused – and I told her my job is sort of unstable at the moment and how I’ve been burning all my bridges during the last month, emotionally speaking.
I also told her that at the same time I feel free, I feel lost.
I’m beginning to think about studying something in my field in Europe (maybe in Spain) next year. Maybe a pos graduation or masters.
I’m looking into some possibilities, but of course, everything involves large amounts of money that I don’t really have.
Anyway, I gave her a complete update on what’s going on in my life and I asked her how were things back home.

I really wasn’t expecting the answer I got.

Basically, she’s been finding traces of a strange relationship between my father and a lady he calls “a friend” of his.
When inquired, my dad said that my mom always tends to see the evil in everything. That she was being paranoid and that this lady was just a friend.
After reading all about the traces my mom said she’s found so far, I’m pretty sure my dad is not being completely truthful about the situation.
I love him, but I’m starting to think he might have had done something.
But then again, I might suffer from the same paranoid condition my mom’s got.
But I don’t think so.

In the end, my mom asked me about a while ago, when they were fighting a lot and my dad moved out for a short period of time.
Then she asked me if my dad was really crying a lot during that period (my aunt told her that) and also wanted to know if my dad had ever told me that he loved her in any of our conversations.
The thing is, I don’t remember him crying and I don’t remember him saying he loved her.
To be honest with you, I don’t think he loves my mom anymore. I don’t feel it.
I think he’s still with her only not to split the family apart.

But HOW do you tell your mom that you think your dad doesn’t love her anymore?

To be honest, it would be the hardest thing in the world to see they split up, but at the same time I think that both of them deserve to be happy. If they don’t love each other, maybe it’s time to end it.

The thing is.. I think my mom will always love my dad.
So after 20-something years of marriage, I have really low expectations about what will be her reaction to divorce.

Shit. She will get depressed, I’m sure. And I’m across the ocean and there’s nothing I can do about it, except write her emails. Shit. Shit.

I’m going to write her now. And I'm gonna be honest.

It sounds like there’s a bumpy road ahead of us..